*note: I originally intended to get 2 guppies but instead got 2 neon tetras, as they are less likely to breed, and I don’t want to end up with 14 fish
Step one: convince your parents that now, five months into quarantine, is the perfect time for getting a fish. Yes, you have a dog, and yes, you manage to get out of taking care of said dog more often than not, but think of the joy a fish would bring to the house. All those long hours spent in your room, staring at your classmates’ faces during online class… a fish would keep you company!
Step two: once parents say yes, regularly mention the fish to remind them that they made a promise and to ensure they won’t go back on their word.
*Bonus points for making a bet with your dad and earning 20 bucks allocated for fish-purchasing uses
Step three: now there are details to work out! Do you want one fish, or many? What type? Name ideas are also a major factor. TV shows one is currently obsessed with (cough-cough Sherlock cough) are a plethora of unique yet appropriate names. Decide to get two fish, so they can hang out together, and name them after an iconic duo.
Step four: proceed to tell anyone and everyone about the fish; this is the most exciting thing that’s happened since March, where the UK broke their rainfall the UK had a 237% increased average rainfall since 1862 this past March. Post the fish news on social media, text your closest friends/ furthest acquaintances who wonder how you got their number.
Step five: walk into Petco with absolutely no knowledge of what you’re doing, look at the pretty fish for ten minutes, and wonder what on earth you’ve gotten yourself into. Find the nice employee named “Jane” or “Jordan” or “Jackie” (you’re sure it was a “J” name) and listen aghast as she explains each fish needs 5 gallons of water. You’re looking at a 10 gallon tank, the cheapest of which is 70$, filter, heater, pH solution, gravel, plants, and fish not included. Your good mood is dashed when she says the water tank needs 3-5 days to complete the nitrogen cycle before fish can be added. Walk out of Petco with zero fish and a multitude of research to complete.
Step six: walk back into Petco armed with the knowledge of the fish gods. Your online order, consisting of a medium-sized tank (perfect for two guppies of small stature), two plants, gravel, a water heater, and pH solution, is sitting on the counter, ready to be picked up by one determined sixteen-year-old girl.
Step seven: back at home, read the entire aquarium manual, both in English and Spanish (what the heck, you need to practice for school anyways). Procrastinate setting it up in favor of: folding laundry, drinking water, working out, and flicking your light switch on and off for five minutes. Decide to jump right in…and immediately screw up.
Step seven and a half: realize that you added the gravel you intended to use for plants instead of the fish-gravel and sigh at the 10 gallons of cloudy water in your tank that you now have to take out. Spill water everywhere but the sink, mutter a few expletives, add the right gravel, and refill the tank. It’s now 11 pm and you’re exhausted, but wait there’s more!
Step eight: eyeball out 5 mL of water conditioner, never mind the fact that you’re American and speak in terms of feet and Coca Cola bottles, not meters and teacups, and you have no earthly idea what 5 mL looks like. Look up “how to eyeball foreign measurements”. Decide to say, “heck with it all” and dump in what you think seems good.
Step nine: test the water pH and feel like a scientist in a secret lab, conducting wild experiments after dark (in a way, you are). Ensure there’s enough bacteria to keep the fish happy, make sure the water isn’t too “hard” or too “soft” (apparently fish are like Goldilocks), and make a list of the other supplies you forgot to buy.
Step ten: walk into Petco with your head held high and your wallet fitted with a $20. Proudly walk over to Jane (?) and ask for two neon tetras. Explain that yes, you have a tank, yes the nitrogen cycle has run, and yes the temperature is at a precise 71°F. Drive home with a small container of two fish, cringing at every bump in the road your car drives over. Rush inside and slowly, carefully, lower the two fish into their tank.
Smile. You’ve done a thing!
And now school starts tomorrow. Yay.
